The Bullies Are Back!

The Bullies Are Back!


By Elizabeth Szlek

For the Rome Observer: September 13, 2010



School days, school days, good old Golden Rule days? If you are over fifty, you may remember that song, which was taught to us all in music classes. Do they even have music classes these days? In any case, let’s look at this ancient sentiment, and see what we have: While attending school, children were expected to act on the principle of the Golden Rule. Do we at least remember that one? “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Ring a bell? Now let’s flash forward to any school yard, any school bus, any playground, and we will find quite a different sentiment obtaining. Something like “kill or be killed”, or a milder version, “Get them before they get you.” In a word, the seeming end of civility and friendship and kindness among children.

I am not crazy. I know there were bullies way back when. But I think they were a rarity. Today, due to our horrific media culture, the role of the bully is glorified, over portrayed and not shown for what it is: Dysfunction and mental disorder.

Every fall I regularly get kids in who go back to school and are instantly labeled as targets for the bullies. I see bullying everywhere, and hear about it a lot, from adults as well as children. So, I thought I would break down some of the more important aspects of this terrible behavior, so that both kids and adults can get a handle on it when it is happening.

What is a Bully?

The simplest definition is a person who is practicing verbal and physical abuse. Let’s look at what a bully does: He or she is essentially a coward, a person who needs to violate the space of another. We can even say that a bully is afraid to be alone, so much do they want to be in your space. Bullying even extends to wanting to be in your mind.

For example, one of the first things bullies do is define you. They tell you who you are: A nerd, a wuss, a – well, just insert here all the horrible labels you can think of.

I had a young boy come in last week and tell me he was hounded by kids in the next class who called him a homosexual slur. And a name connected with being developmentally disabled. So, the bully is defining this boy.

I told the boy that bullies don’t live in reality, they live in a pretend universe, where they believe that what they are saying is true. This is their mental disorder. They can’t get into reality, and they need to define it for others, usually so that they don’t feel so alone and inadequate. If they generate an audience to hear their pretend names for others, the spotlight is off them, and maybe they can feel OK if others buy into their little game of “pretend”.

This is why we should,in the final analysis,  feel sorry more for the bully than for the victim. Of course, the pain these bullies cause is terrible. But, the trick to get out of victim status is to realize that the bully is living in a self-created fantasy land. The victims get to be real people, not fakers, because no one can define another person! Now, this sounds like an easy thing to accomplish, but for victims of bullies, it sometimes takes a little help in understanding what is actually going on.

When someone wants to get in your space, and pushes you, you have just met a cowardly bully. Adults meet them on the road, too. They are the aggressive drivers who want to be in your space on the road. I often have little encounters in a place near where I live. I am in the through lane, and there is a bully in the merge lane. Common sense and living in reality would dictate that I have the right of way. But the bullies don’t like than, and they try to “beat me” out for the lead. They want to be in my space.

The Bully in My Head

Besides trying to define someone, bullies like to take up residence inside our heads, too. Again, they are afraid to be alone, cowardly. So, they start to tell others what they are thinking. Funny, isn’t it? How could anyone else know what I am thinking? Well, if you are a bully, you need to be inside of someone else’s mind, so you come up with things like: “You’re trying to start a fight!” or “You’re just saying that to make me mad!” These are pretend world bullying statements. Lots of young girls who start relationships with bullies find themselves in a Neverland of a bully’s ideas. They begin to wonder if they are going crazy, because the bully is always telling them what they are thinking. It’s weird!

Recently we have had some tragic events in our communities involving adult bullies who tried to control women. These bullies were so afraid to be alone, and so cowardly, that after they tried and tried to get into the head of their wives and girlfriends, they gave up and just killed them. This is how afraid of being alone bullies are. Rather than face life without the woman they were trying to control, they killed her, and then themselves. And don’t think that bullies in the schoolyard are any different than those who are adults with guns. It’s the same thing. The bullies are larger, but still not grown up, and they are still cowards.

The Code of Silence: Why Don’t Victims Speak Up?

Parents much understand that kids are buying into the Code of Silence. This is a tacit agreement among bully victims not to speak out. It is a big mistake, however, since they are helping the cowardly bullies maintain their control over others through intimidation. We need to find ways to break the code of silence. If a child, or an adult, for that matter, is being bullied and forced to live in the pretend world of the bully, he or she needs to tell someone. Tell someone, and then tell someone else. Being bullied is nothing to be ashamed of, and it needs to be addressed before too much damage is done. Parents, especially, should be the first to know if there is bullying at school. Kids can even tell if they see another child being bullied, because maybe the bully’s victim is too afraid. We need to speak up!

Bullies need help. They need to find a way to live in the real world, where something like the Golden Rule can still matter. If you are being bullied by anyone, please reach out and tell! “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is still a wonderful motto for a happy life.



Elizabeth Szlek is the Director of The Door Counseling Center of Utica, NY. Questions and comments can be directed to her at (315) 768-8900 or at info@thedoorcounseling.com