How To Be Assertive

For The Rome Observer: November 2, 2010

By Elizabeth Szlek, Licensed Mental Health Counselor


Now that Thanksgiving is coming into view, many of us will be facing family members who seem to lack personal boundaries. More about that some other time. Today, I want to talk about one of my favorite things: Assertiveness. What is it? Why do we need it? How is it different from other ways of dealing with conflict?

What is Assertiveness?

The Webster’s Dictionary I checked gave two definitions of assert. One: “To state positively, declare or affirm”, and Two: “To maintain or defend (one’s rights, etc.)”. My own use of the term incorporates both these ideas. We need to be able to speak up and state the obvious without fear, and we need to defend ourselves and others when conflict rears its ugly head.

Assertiveness as a response style is the only mature way to handle the inevitable problems we face living with others. Because it is a respectful style, it causes much less pain and guilt than aggressiveness or manipulation. It is affirming to the other person when done properly. To quote my former professor, “ Assertiveness says ‘You count and I count”. Nobody is the loser here, and it creates an atmosphere of listening and co-operation.

Why Do We Need Assertiveness?

We need to be acquainted with the skill of assertiveness because when we use it to deal with problems, it preserves our relationships with others. If you catch yourself burning your bridges again and again, it is likely you don’t understand how to be assertive. If you find yourself suffering from chronic depression, fatigue and other “down” kinds of feelings, it is also likely that you don’t use assertiveness in handling conflicts. In fact, you are probably just absorbing all the negativity others are throwing at you, and it is bumming you out!

What Does Assertiveness Look Like?

It’s easy to think of a million examples where being assertive can be used. Let’s start with an easy one: The check-out line at Big M on Main Street. You are waiting in line, and suddenly, a guy steps in front of you. What to do? The aggressive person will say, “Hey, Buddy, back of the line!” and throw an ugly face his way. The passive person will, of course, say nothing, but will silently be angry, thus compounding the rage inside, generating another migraine later on. The passive-aggressive person will say nothing, but will “accidentally” ram the guy in the behind with their basket. What will the assertive person do? They will probably say something like, “Excuse me, sir. I’m sure you are in as much of a hurry as I am, but I believe I was next in line. Can you let me go ahead?”

That’s it in a nutshell. However, hidden in this response is a three-part statement we will now deconstruct.

The Three “A’s”

To create an assertive statement, we need to make sure it has those three parts.

The first part is the Affirmation. If we want to make a good assertion, we don’t want to lose everybody at the get-go. So, we create an affirmation which tells the person we understand that they have their own unique point of view, and we appreciate it. Now, we don’t agree with it, but we can see that they are coming from a different place. This is the hardest part for those who are used to being aggressive and riding roughshod over others. But, research has shown that when the affirmation is added to the assertive statement, it gets far more results than just the naked assertion. Think of it as the bow on the package.

The second part of the statement is the Assertion. This is where you make your case. You tell the other person the way you see things, your reality. This isn’t hard to do.

The final part of the statement is the Action. You want to see something happen here, and this is what you want to see. So, we have the Affirmation, Assertion and the Action. Three parts to one assertion.

More Assertions

Let’s see a few of these assertions. How about: “I know that my parking space is a lot closer to the building than yours, Bob, but I need to use my own space, so I am asking you to please not park in my space in the future. Thanks.” Or, “I really like Lady Gaga myself, Tiffany, but I have an exam tomorrow, and I can’t study when you have the volume so loud. Could you please turn it down a bit? Thanks.” Or, “I realize you need to raise a lot of money for the class trip, but I won’t be able to make ten pies for the bake sale. Please put me down for two.” So, you get the idea. We want to let the other person know that we understand where they’re coming from, but that we have an alternative idea, and we tell them what we expect them to do. See how easy this is??

The Down Side

Well, that was a trick title, since there is no down side to assertiveness. It is a great tool to have in your everyday dealings with others. But, don’t think that just because you frame a perfect assertive statement, you are going to get your way. In fact, since so few people are actually good at this, it may put you a little farther ahead, but there are plenty of stubborn, selfish people around, and they don’t really care what you think or want. At least, though, you will be able to identify them much more easily, and then we’re on to the next topic: Dealing with difficult people, otherwise known as jerks!


Elizabeth Szlek is the Director of The Door Counseling Center of Utica, NY. Questions and comments can be directed to her at (315) 768-8900 or at info@thedoorcounseling.com.