Finding the Reason

Finding the Reason


By Elizabeth Szlek



August 23, 2010



In counseling adolescents, it invariably happens that the parents and the child are completely at odds as to the root of the problem. I usually take a look at the child and see something much different that what the parent sees. I call this “finding the reason” for the adolescent’s distress. And make no bones about it, there is always distress.

Usually, it isn’t too hard to find the reason, but sometimes it is a little tricky.

If we go through some of the main reasons, you will be able to see how these things go, and perhaps it will help you in dealing with your own adolescents.

Family Matters

First, I look at the family. Is it intact? Fractured families, of course, are one of the main causes of psychological distress in kids. Research definitively proves that divorce is disturbing to kids. Today, however, with the rising rates of single-never married parents, a new wrinkle appears: Kids who have never known their fathers, and whose fathers are completely out of the picture. I recall that during my years as a counselor to the male adolescents at the Madison County Jail, one thing stood out in my mind: First, only one inmate out of more than a hundred was from an intact family. The remainder of the boys all had very similar tales to tell. When they turned thirteen, fourteen or fifteen, they all started searching for the fathers that had left them behind. Some went as far as Montana or Florida to reconnect with their long-lost fathers. What were the results? By and large, the fathers gave them the message that they were not interested in their sons, and they didn’t want to have anything to do with them. The fact that these kids ended up in jail was no shock to me. If you are not valued by a parent, is it likely you will value your own life? You might as well do whatever comes to mind, including crime.

If the family is broken, the next question is: Who is living in the home? Is there a step-parent? Is the custodial parent remarried or just co-habiting? How many partners have gone through the doors in this child’s life? What kind of family stability does he or she know? And, most important, what is his or her relationship to the new partner or step-parent? These things usually don’t go well, so this is a great source of anguish for kids.

If, by some miracle, there comes to me an adolescent from an intact family, but there are still family issues, we need to look at such topics as: Is there a conflictual marital relationship? Is there abuse, addiction, or self-control issues? Is there a parental union, or are the parents at loggerheads as to how to discipline the kids? What is the position in birth order of the child? Are there issues with at-home siblings? Are there problems with grandparents or other family members? Getting a good idea of the important people in the child’s life is crucial. I always construct a genogram, a sort of family tree, and thus, I can see everyone in the family at a glance, noting the problems between various family members.

Identity Issues

It may happen, however, that the family is fine. Still, the child is having problems, whether at home, at school or with peers. Adolescence is a tough time for most people. The child’s main task at this age is developing an identity that will help navigate through life. It is important to understand our talents, gifts and personal interests, and to begin exploring how these can turn into careers.

One of the most devastating parts of adolescence is coping with changes in growth and development. Not everyone gets their growth spurt before high school. My own nephew was a very talented basketball player, but he was very short during most of high school. He could only get so far, and then the giants overtook him. Just for the record: He is now over six feet tall. But looking at him at fifteen, there was little hope for such a growth spurt. Imagine how kids who experience this kind of problem feel! When kids come in, I obviously notice how they look, and try to imagine if some of their problems stem from their appearance. Often, this is the case. Some things may change, but others are going to be permanent, and counseling young people to love themselves no matter what is always part of the counseling picture.

However, another problem for those who don’t look “perfect” is connected to the breakdown of civility in our nation. Kids these days, following the horrendous example of our entertainment industry, have become mean, and often bully other kids. Don’t’ get me wrong, I have stunningly beautiful clients who are bullied, and some who are less gorgeous. It could be jealousy or just plain opportunity, but bullies are everywhere.

Adolescents are loathe to speak about bullying, but I always bring it up, because suffering in silence is not the way to go if mental health is a priority. If they will confess being bullied, I always get the parents involved. Parents of kids being bullied need to advocate for their kids, strongly. If nothing else, this sends a message to the child that he or she is loved and that the parents want to protect him or her. Once parents and children become a team to fight bullying, things do change. Bullies will, unfortunately, just move on to someone who is unprotected. But, at least YOUR child will be OK. It is very important for kids to know their parents will not stand for their being abused!

Of course, in forming one’s identity, not everyone will choose to become a jock, or an artist or other positive role. There are also those who opt to be known as druggies, troublemakers, sexual adventurers, gang members or other negative roles. However, it is my belief that those who go that route have problems at home, which sends us back up to the top of this article.

Naturally, children who have suffered abuse and neglect will have significantly more serious problems. Working with dysfunctional parents, or parents in conflict with each other makes all this much more difficult. However, sometimes the work involves helping the child separate mentally from the abuse and building them up as individuals, and not stressing the family ties. This is, of course, a big job, but each child that comes to counseling truly is a wonderful creation, and deserves to live a life of peace and joy. It is a privilege to be able to step into the life of an adolescent and guide them to a new identity.



Elizabeth Szlek is the Director of The Door Counseling Center of Utica, NY. Questions and comments can be directed to her at (315) 768-8990 or at info@thedoorcounseling.com.