What Kids Really Need

What Kids Really Need

By Elizabeth Szlek

For the Rome Observer, August 16, 2010

I read with interest a front-page story in the Observer-Dispatch yesterday entitled “A Lost Generation”, which concerned itself with the efforts of the “courts, social service agencies and even families” (emphasis mine) to solve the problems of juvenile crime and misconduct.

Kids are getting out of control, it would seem, and trying to control them is costing us all millions and millions of dollars every year. And, of course, it is only getting worse. Several agencies mentioned in the article spend thousands of dollars each month on one kid, trying to get them to function in a minimally acceptable way. And, they are failing.

What they are trying is this: Behavior modification, anger management classes, and especially, strong psychotropic, or mind-altering medication, designed to shut down the brain of these often violent and aggressive kids. One boy, featured in the article is routinely downing four different potent psychotropic drugs. But his will to act is still not dented, and he gets in a lot of trouble, and has been kicked out of several schools already. He’s nine. No one in the article seemed bothered by having this kid's brain shut down with drugs.

The Kids Respect Me!

One “service provider” quoted in the article said that he is helping the kids because “these guys respect me!” So, for him, finding someone the kids to respect is the key to helping them. I see it differently. But, I’ll get into that. Another provider is quoted as saying, “It’s all soul work”, referring to helping these very troubled kids. But the drugs interfere with the soul! Everyone agrees we need more programs, more money, and I am sure, lots more drugs, to get this whole thing under control. Because, of course, there is something wrong with these kids!

Having worked for these same agencies myself, and also being a supervisor for other counselors who share their cases with me, I can tell you one thing. The problem is not the kids at all! It’s something else altogether.

You can drug kids, give them behavioral managers, take them out for ice cream, and take them away and lock them up when they do something really “bad”, but there is one thing no one is doing in any of these situations- the thing that needs to be done if anything is really going to change: Teach the parents how to be kind, loving, and respectful to their children, teach them self control, how to respect others and to love and to thrive. This is what used to pass for family values in the past, but I know this is passé now. Now, the state, and the social service agencies are filling in for quite damaging and useless parents, who only know how to hurt their own children.

One chilling statement was that a woman whose own son was sent away for his bad behavior runs a daycare center where she cares for about twenty young children. How scary is that? You have failed to produce a functioning child, and yet others entrust their most precious children to your care. I was stunned to read that one! I guess the Bible verse, “Physician, heal thyself” isn’t bandied about much these days!

What Are the Causes of Such Disturbances?

A couple of examples of really bad parenting from some recent cases come to mind to illustrate where things are going wrong. First, I heard of a case where the mother has been telling her daughter for about five years that she doesn’t “like” her. This is horrific, but beyond that, it seems that the child, who is only eight, has most of the worst habits of her mother, which is what makes the mother dislike her child. When I spoke to her, I said, “The next time Tiffany does something you don’t like, I want you to tell yourself, ‘I did this to her.’”

Yes, Mom, if your child imitates your bad behavior, you have ONLY yourself to blame. You cannot blame your child, for imitation is the highest form of flattery. YOU made her that way! And guess what? You need to correct your own behavior before asking her to do the same! Oh, sorry! I guess it means you will have to acquire some self-control! Gee, why don’t we just drug her?

Another even worse case revolves around a boy who is soon to be shipped away to some "placement", away from his mother, who verbally assaults him virtually every waking moment. She hates her own son. However, when the child spends time with others, he is able to control his behavior quite well. It’s only when Mom starts screaming and swearing at him that he loses it! Now, really, can you blame the kid?

I really don’t care what a kid has done; I always look to the parents first to see what their involvement may be. So many kids today are simply unwanted and certainly unloved, by their own parents! I can’t really wrap my mind around this kind of travesty.

Is this because, in our age of free love without commitment, so many children are born without being desired in the first place? Kids growing up without fathers do not have an easy time of it, to be sure. The second kid’s father is incarcerated, and this is probably a source of his great unhappiness, since they had a good relationship. But why does his mother need to punish her son? And, as for the first child, how can a mother be so blind as to not see her own responsibility in the bad behavior of a child?

Nothing will ever bring children to functional wholeness except the kindness, love and discipline of their parents. Others can attempt to step in, but respect of one’s parents, in regarding their children as wonderful creations, given to them by God, will never be replaced by social service agency workers.

Children deserve respect, and love- not drugs- is the answer to the wounds of their souls. Children who are rejected and disrespected are angry. Drugging them into some kind of submissive state only masks their anguish, and postpones their aggressive drive for respect and belonging. Real families support and nurture their children, and this starts when the parents form a lasting, respectful and loving union with each other – before the children start arriving.

Elizabeth Szlek is the Director of The Door Counseling Center of Utica. Questions and comments can be directed to her at (315) 768-8900 or at info@thedoorcounseling.com.